This is such a powerful post, and I'm so honoured that you come to our writing hour and feel safe with us. You are a beautiful writer, and by articulating the darkness as well as the light, you bring great comfort to us all. Elephants are my 'power' animal. When I'm lost, I look for elephants; when I see one, I take it as a sign that I'm going in the right direction. To have an elephant come to visit, however heavy, may be a gift. I know it doesn't feel like it. But for me, life is about feeling it all - we don't escape any of it. For years, I've chased happiness, labelling sadness, grief, depression, and anger as bad. And it's only fairly recently that I'm learning to just be with the misery and accept it's not bad - but just part of the rollercoaster, part of the whole. I tried for many years to outrun grief but sometimes it just won't be outrun. Or maybe I'm just slower and fatter. So I have no choice but to sit with the misery. I always feel the panic at first that it will destroy me, that I won't survive the darkest of feelings. But at first I just try to hang on, to a person, an idea, a quotation, a dog. So I don't feel so alone. Because I don't think it's the darkness that scares me most but rather being alone in the darkness. But I'm slowly, slowly learning to be alone in the darkness and just to sit with the elephant versus trying to constantly scrabble for the light, thinking I am going to suffocate under his big grey weight. And then as my eyes slowly adjust and I start to see pinpricks of light and I realise I am sitting under a night sky and there are hundreds of people out there in the darkness too - sitting beneath these stars. And I am not alone. It can get really cold but eventually the sun does come up. Not just once but every day. The dawn always comes eventually. But that does not mean the night is not beautiful too, once I stop being scared of the dark. Much love, Emma. I will see you under the stars. xxx
Oh Suzy, I can't tell you what this response means. It has touched me so very deeply. I totally agree that however heavy the elephant, they are a gift. They are definitely my spirit animal. And yes, life is indeed about feeling it all. I don't subscribe to the 'happiness imperative' and the search for something that isn't realistic, I strive for peace and contentment and acceptance of life in all its ebbs and flows. Sometimes we absolutely have to sit with the pain and the misery and that is ok, and it is so connecting to know that there are others hanging onto their own piece of rock alongside us. I absolutely LOVE what you say about the pinpricks of light and us sitting under the same stars. This is so beautiful and so true. Also - the group you have created truly is a safe space for me. Tuesdays and Thursdays are the days I come to Heart Leap and the days I swim in the lake. Both places allow me to come and be, and interact or not as I am able, and that is the biggest gift I could possibly receive. Thank you for creating that, it is more powerful than you know. The title of one of my draft books is 'Suns Always Rise'... much love to you my friend ❤️
Together, we'll sit under the stars with all those people that sit around the world with us. Let's sing together until the run rises again. Much love xxx
Suzy, this is such a deeply felt and stunningly expressed response to Emma's beautiful post. That image of us all being alone and together under the stars will stay with me. Xx
Depression tells us such stupid lies. Thank you for sharing your truth about how hard it is sometimes not to believe these lies even when we have the tools. Thank you for sharing your elephant.
Such a beautifully written powerful post. Thank you for writing and sharing. I think it's one of the clearest explanations I've read of what it's like to live with depression. So much of what you said landed, but I feel like I need to go back a re-read to take it all in. Thank you for your honesty and I hope you're ok. Hx
Thank you - I am feeling much better today. The core of it has passed, as I know it always does, even when I can't fathom it in the moment. I love the title of your Substack - I look forward to exploring it. Thank you for your kind and heartfelt words xx
That’s good to hear Emma, happy delving into Gently Does It. I’m still finding my feet here but managed (finally) to get a post out earlier today. Honestly, reading your writing and all the other fab writers is motivation enough to get out of my own way and go for it.
Oh Emma, this is beautiful. One part in particular spoke so much to me and is so supportive in the comfort of feeling seen. I am not sure where I am in the spectrum of emotional health - I know I am fortunate in so many ways, I am new to acknowledging that there are days when none of that matters. So this piece felt written for me. I'm not even sure how it popped up on my feed - I'm not really well versed in these Substack parts yet. So it feels even more serendipitous. Thank you for writing it, thank you ❤️x
Oh I'm so glad this piece found its way to you - however that happened. I love how you express the spectrum of emotional health - it really is such a moveable feast for us all. Yes feeling seen and validated was absolutely huge for me, without that it seems even more insurmountable. I'm so delighted to have connected with you here 💕
Oh Emma your words resonate so much. ‘The black dog’ that I have heard people use to describe depression wasn’t how I experienced burn out and depression. Your description of your elephant crushing your chest ... so powerful... I could see, hear, feel & remember the crushing weight of invisibility that I felt I was carrying.
Thank you Fiona, that's very kind of you. Yes the 'black dog' never really did it for me, it was that crushing weight. I hope that the elephant watches over you these days and doesn't bear too much weight. Much love x
I am sending you huge hugs Emma as you gently nudge the elephant off, bit by bit. I understand the strength it takes to get out from under that weight. Its a monumental courage that comes from the very essence of you to bring you out the other side. A determination and will that is beautiful and can only by witnessed by those that know. I’ve never been diagnosed with depression, but watching my mum battle with bipolar all her life, means that if I start to see the signs I am so aware of where that might take me. That’s the spirit that I hold onto. Thank you for sharing from your soul. Love and light. Louise x
Thank you lovely - yes it's like that - bit by bit... It's both heartbreaking and wonderful that you have that awareness from the experience with your mum - so many still find it so difficult to comprehend. Thank you for your beautiful words and thoughts, it means such a lot. Much love xx
Oh Emma - you write so beautifully - and can explain such complex feelings with such clarity and joy and pain and compassion and humour - I love your little slices of lemon - whenever they appear on my phone … (and there is not much I love about my phone believe me ..) thank you so much 😊 🍋 xxxx
Oh that is so lovely!! I am honoured - there's not much I love about my phone either and it makes me so happy to bring a bit of joy into the mix. Can't wait to catch up properly. Huge love xx
What a Soul-full piece of writing. Thank you so much for sharing it with us all. So open, vulnerable and with such a rich mix of darkness and light. A bit like Life. I love elephants too although I wouldn't fancy one sitting on my chest. I do hope you reach out and stroke it though whilst it's there.... I am also so comforted by how many women are 'saved' by the water. A kind of return to the womb of the original Mother to us all. Mother Earth. What a gift. So thank you for your words. I'm so very glad that you are here. xxx
Thank you Donna 💕. I do stroke the elephant - somehow it's not unfriendly or threatening, it's just part of the fabric of my life at times. My whole book is about the connection of women with water - it is SO powerful, it was such a pleasure to speak with women all over the world about how they experience this. I'm so glad to have connected with you xx
Sending love Emma. This is a beautiful, brave and honest post that will undoubtedly help others to feel seen. Your elephant imagery calls to mind Ganesha, the Hindu Elephant God, who is seen as the remover of obstacles, clearing our path for what's to come. May Ganesha be clearing you out for beautiful things ahead 🩶
Thanks so much Vicki, I LOVE the reference to Ganesha - especially having just come back from India. I love the concept of removing obstacles - that is so interesting. I have another elephant article to come soon (the one I actually thought I'd write first!!) about what I encountered, or didn't encounter in India, and this is so relevant. Thank you for this beautiful and hopeful thought 💕🙏
This is so beautiful, Emma, I felt every word. As you described your elephant gradually losing some of her weight, I realised I felt grief for her - I wanted to pick her up and comfort her. I think anyone who has experienced depression will recognise the feelings you express with such grace. Eventually we find our own ways to cope. Kindness is a golden thread we can follow when there's little else to reflect light. See you under the stars. 🖤
Aah that is so lovely. Yes there is no bad feeling towards the elephant - it's almost like she's a necessary friend in some ways, if that makes sense? What a beautiful way of expressing kindness - like a golden thread. Thank you for sharing your thread with me - it is so very special 💕
A powerful post. I remember that feeling of wtf have I got to be depressed about, my life is amazing. Adds to the weight on the chest. Though in my case I continued to ignore it and suppress it some more (wouldn’t recommend).
And I once told my (then) boyfriend to fuck off, put the phone down on him and went out to drink a load of cocktails. One year after going sober. I was so mad and frustrated that noone knew or understood how seriously ill I was. Luckily I’d come far enough in my journey not to beat myself up over it or feel a failure. But it was the utter despair that drove me to do it.
I love the notion of us all sitting under the stars until the sun rises again ✨💫
And def not seeings feelings as good, bad, right, wrong, positive or negative. Reading “Freedom From the Known” instigated me to let go of this deep rooted conditioning. It’s been a massive side step by humanity to label in such a way (in my humble opinion). All emotions are healthy and it’s ok to feel. Period. ❣️
oh that's so true - coming away from the labels, not staying with the conditioning and the judgements. I love that. It is totally ok to feel, and even just through writing this piece and connecting with regards to these feelings, it shows the power of feeling the difficult things and how much it can mean to express that. Thank you my friend. Much love xx
Oh Emma - I completely understand. How painfully, but beautifully, you’ve written this piece.
There are millions of us on this planet, who feel incredible small and insignificant, pointless and a burden, when we’re trying to get through the day and night with the cruel, invisible pain of depression.
You’ve helped people today. Thank you sweetheart. Xx🙏🏻❤️
What a truly beautiful thing to say - thank you my friend. There are so many of us who understand, who sit under the same stars, and your response has equally helped me. Much love 💕
This is such a powerful post, and I'm so honoured that you come to our writing hour and feel safe with us. You are a beautiful writer, and by articulating the darkness as well as the light, you bring great comfort to us all. Elephants are my 'power' animal. When I'm lost, I look for elephants; when I see one, I take it as a sign that I'm going in the right direction. To have an elephant come to visit, however heavy, may be a gift. I know it doesn't feel like it. But for me, life is about feeling it all - we don't escape any of it. For years, I've chased happiness, labelling sadness, grief, depression, and anger as bad. And it's only fairly recently that I'm learning to just be with the misery and accept it's not bad - but just part of the rollercoaster, part of the whole. I tried for many years to outrun grief but sometimes it just won't be outrun. Or maybe I'm just slower and fatter. So I have no choice but to sit with the misery. I always feel the panic at first that it will destroy me, that I won't survive the darkest of feelings. But at first I just try to hang on, to a person, an idea, a quotation, a dog. So I don't feel so alone. Because I don't think it's the darkness that scares me most but rather being alone in the darkness. But I'm slowly, slowly learning to be alone in the darkness and just to sit with the elephant versus trying to constantly scrabble for the light, thinking I am going to suffocate under his big grey weight. And then as my eyes slowly adjust and I start to see pinpricks of light and I realise I am sitting under a night sky and there are hundreds of people out there in the darkness too - sitting beneath these stars. And I am not alone. It can get really cold but eventually the sun does come up. Not just once but every day. The dawn always comes eventually. But that does not mean the night is not beautiful too, once I stop being scared of the dark. Much love, Emma. I will see you under the stars. xxx
Oh Suzy, I can't tell you what this response means. It has touched me so very deeply. I totally agree that however heavy the elephant, they are a gift. They are definitely my spirit animal. And yes, life is indeed about feeling it all. I don't subscribe to the 'happiness imperative' and the search for something that isn't realistic, I strive for peace and contentment and acceptance of life in all its ebbs and flows. Sometimes we absolutely have to sit with the pain and the misery and that is ok, and it is so connecting to know that there are others hanging onto their own piece of rock alongside us. I absolutely LOVE what you say about the pinpricks of light and us sitting under the same stars. This is so beautiful and so true. Also - the group you have created truly is a safe space for me. Tuesdays and Thursdays are the days I come to Heart Leap and the days I swim in the lake. Both places allow me to come and be, and interact or not as I am able, and that is the biggest gift I could possibly receive. Thank you for creating that, it is more powerful than you know. The title of one of my draft books is 'Suns Always Rise'... much love to you my friend ❤️
Together, we'll sit under the stars with all those people that sit around the world with us. Let's sing together until the run rises again. Much love xxx
Suzy, this is such a deeply felt and stunningly expressed response to Emma's beautiful post. That image of us all being alone and together under the stars will stay with me. Xx
and me - such a wonderful image indeed x
Depression tells us such stupid lies. Thank you for sharing your truth about how hard it is sometimes not to believe these lies even when we have the tools. Thank you for sharing your elephant.
That's so true - and those lies can be so powerful. Thank you for your thoughtful words x
Thank you for sharing your elephant with us. Your generous words resonate and give voice to so many others 💛
Thank you for your lovely words, that means such a lot 🙏💕
I am with you. Sending you much much love. Thank you.
Thank you, we are never alone. Sending love back and very much appreciated xx
Such a beautifully written powerful post. Thank you for writing and sharing. I think it's one of the clearest explanations I've read of what it's like to live with depression. So much of what you said landed, but I feel like I need to go back a re-read to take it all in. Thank you for your honesty and I hope you're ok. Hx
Thank you - I am feeling much better today. The core of it has passed, as I know it always does, even when I can't fathom it in the moment. I love the title of your Substack - I look forward to exploring it. Thank you for your kind and heartfelt words xx
That’s good to hear Emma, happy delving into Gently Does It. I’m still finding my feet here but managed (finally) to get a post out earlier today. Honestly, reading your writing and all the other fab writers is motivation enough to get out of my own way and go for it.
Oh Emma, this is beautiful. One part in particular spoke so much to me and is so supportive in the comfort of feeling seen. I am not sure where I am in the spectrum of emotional health - I know I am fortunate in so many ways, I am new to acknowledging that there are days when none of that matters. So this piece felt written for me. I'm not even sure how it popped up on my feed - I'm not really well versed in these Substack parts yet. So it feels even more serendipitous. Thank you for writing it, thank you ❤️x
Oh I'm so glad this piece found its way to you - however that happened. I love how you express the spectrum of emotional health - it really is such a moveable feast for us all. Yes feeling seen and validated was absolutely huge for me, without that it seems even more insurmountable. I'm so delighted to have connected with you here 💕
Oh Emma your words resonate so much. ‘The black dog’ that I have heard people use to describe depression wasn’t how I experienced burn out and depression. Your description of your elephant crushing your chest ... so powerful... I could see, hear, feel & remember the crushing weight of invisibility that I felt I was carrying.
You write so beautifully thank you.
Heart Leap is a wonderful space ☯️💜
Thank you Fiona, that's very kind of you. Yes the 'black dog' never really did it for me, it was that crushing weight. I hope that the elephant watches over you these days and doesn't bear too much weight. Much love x
I am sending you huge hugs Emma as you gently nudge the elephant off, bit by bit. I understand the strength it takes to get out from under that weight. Its a monumental courage that comes from the very essence of you to bring you out the other side. A determination and will that is beautiful and can only by witnessed by those that know. I’ve never been diagnosed with depression, but watching my mum battle with bipolar all her life, means that if I start to see the signs I am so aware of where that might take me. That’s the spirit that I hold onto. Thank you for sharing from your soul. Love and light. Louise x
Thank you lovely - yes it's like that - bit by bit... It's both heartbreaking and wonderful that you have that awareness from the experience with your mum - so many still find it so difficult to comprehend. Thank you for your beautiful words and thoughts, it means such a lot. Much love xx
Keep on keeping on Emma, your light is shining and you are a bright star to help other people navigate the storm. xx
as are you - very grateful to have you here ✨
Oh Emma - you write so beautifully - and can explain such complex feelings with such clarity and joy and pain and compassion and humour - I love your little slices of lemon - whenever they appear on my phone … (and there is not much I love about my phone believe me ..) thank you so much 😊 🍋 xxxx
Oh that is so lovely!! I am honoured - there's not much I love about my phone either and it makes me so happy to bring a bit of joy into the mix. Can't wait to catch up properly. Huge love xx
What a Soul-full piece of writing. Thank you so much for sharing it with us all. So open, vulnerable and with such a rich mix of darkness and light. A bit like Life. I love elephants too although I wouldn't fancy one sitting on my chest. I do hope you reach out and stroke it though whilst it's there.... I am also so comforted by how many women are 'saved' by the water. A kind of return to the womb of the original Mother to us all. Mother Earth. What a gift. So thank you for your words. I'm so very glad that you are here. xxx
Thank you Donna 💕. I do stroke the elephant - somehow it's not unfriendly or threatening, it's just part of the fabric of my life at times. My whole book is about the connection of women with water - it is SO powerful, it was such a pleasure to speak with women all over the world about how they experience this. I'm so glad to have connected with you xx
Sending love Emma. This is a beautiful, brave and honest post that will undoubtedly help others to feel seen. Your elephant imagery calls to mind Ganesha, the Hindu Elephant God, who is seen as the remover of obstacles, clearing our path for what's to come. May Ganesha be clearing you out for beautiful things ahead 🩶
Thanks so much Vicki, I LOVE the reference to Ganesha - especially having just come back from India. I love the concept of removing obstacles - that is so interesting. I have another elephant article to come soon (the one I actually thought I'd write first!!) about what I encountered, or didn't encounter in India, and this is so relevant. Thank you for this beautiful and hopeful thought 💕🙏
I look forward to reading more elephant wisdom ❤
❤️❤️
This is so beautiful, Emma, I felt every word. As you described your elephant gradually losing some of her weight, I realised I felt grief for her - I wanted to pick her up and comfort her. I think anyone who has experienced depression will recognise the feelings you express with such grace. Eventually we find our own ways to cope. Kindness is a golden thread we can follow when there's little else to reflect light. See you under the stars. 🖤
Aah that is so lovely. Yes there is no bad feeling towards the elephant - it's almost like she's a necessary friend in some ways, if that makes sense? What a beautiful way of expressing kindness - like a golden thread. Thank you for sharing your thread with me - it is so very special 💕
A powerful post. I remember that feeling of wtf have I got to be depressed about, my life is amazing. Adds to the weight on the chest. Though in my case I continued to ignore it and suppress it some more (wouldn’t recommend).
And I once told my (then) boyfriend to fuck off, put the phone down on him and went out to drink a load of cocktails. One year after going sober. I was so mad and frustrated that noone knew or understood how seriously ill I was. Luckily I’d come far enough in my journey not to beat myself up over it or feel a failure. But it was the utter despair that drove me to do it.
I love the notion of us all sitting under the stars until the sun rises again ✨💫
And def not seeings feelings as good, bad, right, wrong, positive or negative. Reading “Freedom From the Known” instigated me to let go of this deep rooted conditioning. It’s been a massive side step by humanity to label in such a way (in my humble opinion). All emotions are healthy and it’s ok to feel. Period. ❣️
oh that's so true - coming away from the labels, not staying with the conditioning and the judgements. I love that. It is totally ok to feel, and even just through writing this piece and connecting with regards to these feelings, it shows the power of feeling the difficult things and how much it can mean to express that. Thank you my friend. Much love xx
So glad you got so much from writing about it. We all got so much from reading it x
💕💕💕🙏
Oh Emma - I completely understand. How painfully, but beautifully, you’ve written this piece.
There are millions of us on this planet, who feel incredible small and insignificant, pointless and a burden, when we’re trying to get through the day and night with the cruel, invisible pain of depression.
You’ve helped people today. Thank you sweetheart. Xx🙏🏻❤️
What a truly beautiful thing to say - thank you my friend. There are so many of us who understand, who sit under the same stars, and your response has equally helped me. Much love 💕
I know, Emma, I know.
Sending you love xoxo
🫶
Much love to you. Thank you for sharing. I hope that big elephant continues their slow mooch back to the shelf xx
She is definitely on her way. We must get together soon x
We’d like that very much xx