Very ambitious and very ill
And also cool and interesting?
A conversation with one who knows
When
invited me to do an interview for her astonishing ‘Lady’s Illness Library’ series within her Substack, I had no idea what direction it would take. I don’t ‘prepare’ for conversations like this, as the real nuggets always seem to come about through authentic engagement rather than trying to shoehorn in a ‘script’ with a message you think you want to get across. [Perhaps someone should tell that to our politicians, but I digress…]I wanted to share the conversation more widely, as I feel that there are some really important points that Rachel drew out, giving a different perspective on the narrative of how we ‘should’ rest, how detrimental to mental health it can be when you are forced to stop, and how our families adapt and respond to chronic illness. When I saw the title Rachel chose; 'Very ambitious and very ill', it crystallised something for me: not just how hard it is for some of us to slow down, but more than that, how perhaps the traditional idea of 'slowing down' doesn't have to be what we strive for at all. It’s ok to be driven, it’s not something to self-flagellate over, and in terms of what ‘rest’ looks like, there is always another way. Conventional notions of rest do not come easily to me and there really is no ‘one-size-fits-all’. I have spent years wishing I could meditate, get up at dawn, be still, do yoga etc…but I have learned to let that go for the time being. These are wonderful ‘go-to’ activities for many, and I completely believe in their benefits, but they are not for me right now. And that’s ok.
For me there is rest in creativity, in writing, and in the water - when my body can handle it. That is where I find my peace. It is a continual challenge to get the balance right between activity and rest, and I do not always get it right, not at all, but there are valid alternatives to constantly trying to ‘learn to do less’ or ‘search for stillness’. I’ve got to say though, it did make me laugh out loud when upon explaining to Rachel how I did a Master’s degree whilst recovering from debilitating vertigo, with 2 young children and a full time job ‘just because…’, her response was: ‘I’ve only known you for 29 minutes but I feel the need to say, ‘classic Emma’’. As I said, I do not always get it right - although I did get a Distinction in the Master’s which made me very happy 🤣
As Rachel says in her write-up: “what works also changes over time. There is no final, perfect morning routine for everyone forever—it sounds obvious when you write it out like that—but you might be fooled into thinking there is if you ever read the internet.”
This is, as always, about bringing another perspective, and as actually happened during the course of the conversation, giving myself permission to ‘rest’ differently, and to not consider my ‘way of being’ as a curse.
The audio is linked below, as well as the link to Rachel’s full piece - where she introduces me as ‘cool and interesting’. I mean it doesn’t get much better than that. One for the epitaph - take note, family.
Having listened back to it (with my butt cheeks clenched in anticipatory embarrassment), I am not embarrassed. I am proud of this conversation. I’m also hugely grateful to Rachel for her intuitive questions and warm interviewing style, and for being one who understands. I highly recommend Rachel’s work, and for anyone with chronic illness, or who has loved ones with chronic illness, the Lady’s Illness Library is an absolute treasure trove of stories, described as follows:
The Lady’s Illness Library is a collection of stories about unconventional illness journeys. Here, you won’t find prescriptive health tips or quick fixes, but exploratory conversations that seek to understand these immense human experiences. Diseases that are multi-faceted, sort-of-undiagnosed, and debilitating - think autoimmunity, long COVID, migraine - are more common than ever, affecting majority women. And yet, despite their growing ubiquity, they still live beneath the surface of our culture.
Let’s change that.
Some of my favourite quotes and reflections from our conversation are listed at the bottom. I hope you enjoy listening. 🙏
Interview with for The Lady’s Illness Library
Audio episode description:
“If you’re sick of hearing the one-size-fits-all approach to managing illness, Emma Simpson’s story will resonate with you. The conversation encourages us to reject the pressure to adhere to conventional wellness practices and instead personalize our routines - a huge relief when there are so many ‘shoulds’ around.
Emma has always been a remarkably ambitious woman but she had to leave her career as an Air Traffic Controller due to chronic illness. During this drastic life shift, Emma turned to open water swimming and writing. Host Rachel Katz and Emma talk about how she was able to do this while being the primary breadwinner and raising young children. As she says in the conversation, slowing down wasn’t the path for her, but finding balance was.”
Audio recording:
Rachel’s post including full audio and her reflections:
My ‘stand out’ reflections
acknowledging that for me, rest does not have to equate to stillness, as being still can sometimes bring pain, both mentally and physically.
understanding that conventionally accepted notions of rest can be hugely detrimental to your mental health if that is not your way.
accepting that perhaps we don’t all need to learn how to do nothing. Sometimes the strive to do ‘less’ just brings another thing we feel like we’re failing at.
appreciating the importance of my support network. Having people around me that won’t judge me or think I’m a flake, but will say ‘ok’ when I bail out of an arrangement, cook me dinner, or drive me to the lake.
considering the impact that chronic illness has on those around us, including on a marriage, yet how it can convey a surprisingly positive message to our children.
Quotes
Rachel frames this perfectly in her write up:
These little comments stood out to me because they are the opposite of what I often hear in conversations about living with chronic illness. Even when I am trying remain open and curious, I am often silently registering a list of “should’s”: I should eat more green vegetables, I should go outside more, I should sit less. This particular one, “I should meditate,” has long been a mental loop for me. I know meditation is great for a lot of people like me. But it hasn’t clicked in my life, and that has generally made me feel bad.
So it was refreshing to hear Emma’s attitude: meditation isn’t for me right now! She highlighted both that this is fine, and also that it doesn’t mean meditation will never be right for her, just not right now. In our conversation, Emma talks about how it was so liberating for her to give up the morning routine that she “should do”: get up, drink tea, do yoga stretches, write morning pages…whatever it was.
The goal of all these shenanigans is to get into a calmed mental state and create a mindset where the world is bright and full of possibilities. But the activities that achieve that state are different for each person, and that’s easy to forget.
On effectively being told: “‘You’re unwell. Stop being a thriving, driven creative, just sit and read a book and chill.’ It doesn’t work like that.”
“When I’m creative it brings me such energy and joy and if I’m not allowed to do that my mental health goes through the floor.”
On ambitious ‘type A’ women (of which I guess I am one): “maybe it’s not the goal to denigrate those qualities.”
“I used to wistfully look at people who meditate and think ‘I wanna do that’. I’ve let that go.’”
“There is always another way. There is always another path, and you can always change your mind.”
On not having regrets: “I wasn’t able to stop, I was deeply grieving when it all started to go wrong. I don’t look back and think, Emma, you should have done that differently. [I think] you did the best that you could.”
“I find my rest in water, or in freeflow writing. That is where I find my peace.”
“When my body is not allowing me to do any of the things that lift me, it’s a difficult place.”
“I can create a construct that feels very safe and contained for me in my own ways, that suits the busyness of my life and my surrounds.”
On the impact on my marriage: “You didn’t sign up to have a sick wife. But then I didn’t sign up to have a sick life.”
On my children: “I will always back them up, I will always have their back, I will always support them, I will always love them, and I will inform and guide them as much as I can but the decisions are theirs. And no decisions are the wrong decisions because you can always remake them.”
Remember, you can always write a new story.
This is a deeply personal conversation, and I’d love to hear if any of this resonates with you. I’m really interested in how you view your own rest and wellness. Maybe one day it will be meditation and morning pages for me - if this works for you, please do tell me about it.
What are your wellness practices? What doesn’t work for you? Do you carry a lot of ‘shoulds’ and expectations about what your own version of rest looks like?
We are all so individual, there is no one way to be.
If you like this post and perhaps aren’t currently in a position to upgrade to my paid membership, but would like to support my work or say a one-off thanks by buying me a cuppa then you can do this on the following link: 🙏🫖💕.
I’ve only just set this up so it may not work but I’m interested to see!! Thank you so much - who wants to test it out?! You’re my favourite. 🤣🫶
As always,
Love & lemons 💕🍋
Em xx
I really loved this conversation and the ideas around rest. I really do need to rest and find that difficult but often when I am lying down the pain can be so much worse. So now I can explore what other things might be restful for me without lying there in agony trying to rest.
I loved your conversation Emma and theme of finding and honouring your own way of dealing with your health challenges 😊
In terms of my wellness practices, I think a big (ongoing) learning for me is around how to effort less, while still doing the things that are important to me, like socialising or travelling. To show up, but to show up with a calmer, more regulated nervous system. It makes all the difference when I can manage it. For many years I thought I had to step back to the sidelines of life in order to be well, but I'm beginning to learn how to stay well in the midst of it all. It's a delicate balance...