Friday dip - what defines success?

Thoughts to wash over you for the weekend

This week my sixteen year old daughter finished her GCSEs. She is an incredible, kind and perceptive young woman, who lives with high anxiety and learning difficulties. Over the past few months I have watched her conduct herself with stoicism and grace way beyond her years, working every single night to get through 18 exams, 2 heavy coursework GCSEs and a BTEC.

She is studying Hair & Media Makeup at college and so doesn’t need ‘traditional GCSEs’, yet she has had to tread this path. When the results come out in August, we won’t be rewarding grades with money, as for me, this just feeds the societal narrative of what defines ‘success’, however we will of course celebrate wildly because it means so much to her. Regardless of the outcome, we couldn’t be more proud of her astonishing commitment and efforts in a ‘one size fits all’ system, which is simply not her size.

How, then, do we define success?

This got me thinking, not for the first time, about how we define success. In my coaching work, this is a conversation that comes up time and again. It’s interesting to reflect upon ‘what does success look like to me?’ Is it a full client portfolio? A dozen bestsellers? Millions in the bank? Thousands of Substack subscribers? Positive feedback and awards? Or is it being available to my teenage daughters, being able to manage my health, space to write creatively at my own pace, having time - actual real time - to devote to the things that are important to me, my friends, my family, and dare I say it...myself?

So many of us have gone through enormous change in the past few years, whether that’s because of Covid, our stage of life, our fluctuating technological, financial and political landscapes. Has that impacted how we look at success? It certainly has for me.

This is clearly a well-worn narrative, but cliches are cliches because they are true.

What does success look like for me?

In my corporate life, I had the six-figure salary and all that jazz, and I feel I was hard wired to ‘achieve’. When I did my Masters, whilst working full time with 2 children under the ages of 6, I needed to get a distinction. I did. When promotions came up, I got them. I often wonder what drove that need? What was I trying to prove, and to who? To myself? Why?

Having stepped away from all that to put my health and my family first, I now have such a different perspective on what it means for me. Writing certainly does not bring a six-figure salary, in fact it barely brings in any salary at all - although 3 days into substack I am beyond excited to have 3 paid subscribers!! That gives me a forecast annual writing income of £252!! It has honestly made me so happy 🤣

I asked myself ‘what defines success’ with regard to my book, Breaking Waves, which is currently under submission with publishers (and is now a waiting game - not my speciality!!) Do I want to be on the Sunday Times bestseller list? Do I want to see my book in Waterstones? Do I want to sell a million copies? Well I wouldn’t kick that idea out of bed on a Sunday morning, but that is not my definition of success. I always thought it was just about having a single copy of my book in my hand, getting the publishing deal, having the validation of the industry that it’s good enough, that I’m good enough, regardless of whether it sold. But it’s not that either.

I’ve come to realise that I hope to see my book read by many, not because of the money - I understand for that every £10 copy of a book that is traditionally sold the author gets about £1 - but because I want as many people as possible to read my words and feel that they are not alone. I want to share something with the world so that people can connect, feel seen, feel understood, laugh, and maybe have a gentle cry. To know that so many people hold parts of their story in their hearts. That would be ‘success’ for me. That is what has also brought me to this wonderful world of Substack.

My corporate brain, which takes up ever diminishing space (yet still present) space in my hippocampus, immediately wanted to think about how many subscribers I would like, as we are so attuned to vanity metrics of ‘followers’ as measures of success (and being an author does involved audience building), but then I stopped myself. The minute I start thinking ‘if I have ‘x’ subscribers by time ‘y’, or ‘year end goals part 1’, I start to feel slightly sick. That was the target driven world I came away from, I do not want a business plan for my life.

With Substack what will be will be – it is an exploration, in a beautiful and kind place. I put my first ever post out late on Wednesday evening whilst I was nervously waiting for my daughter to return home from her prom ‘after party’, and when I woke up I had an email saying I had one paid subscriber. I was overjoyed, so I messaged her personally to say thanks, and she replied:

‘I’m reading your words, I’m with you all the way. Inspiring and really down to earth, but at the same time a piece of your spirit / soul in there. You are braving it and it’s so honourable’.

For me, it doesn’t get much better than that. My subscriber list has since tripled 🤣🤣 and it’s the joy of knowing that somebody relates to the words.

As for the book - time will tell, but I’m just so proud to have created it. In the meantime I will enjoy putting my words out there at my pace, celebrating my amazing daughter for all that she has already done, and try not to succumb to the rest of the noise.

What does success mean to you? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Meanwhile have a fabulous weekend,

Love and lemons

Em x🍋